Love This Today!

Searching for “Right Side Up” Again

That moment when you feel like you have finally reached the end of your rope and you can do nothing more than long for God to step into your story and turn everything right-side up again…that is today, right now.

To observe me, you would think nothing is wrong. I’m sipping my café au lait in Whole Foods, eating my avocado with salt and pepper, nibbling on a very oniony cranberry quinoa salad and typing away. No tears are escaping my eyes at the moment. My tummy is happy. I’m warm and toasty and watching the snow out the window. I’m in Colorado for goodness sake! A few months ago I truly believed that by now I would have had to say goodbye forever to this beautiful place I call home. It seemed I was going to have to give up so much more than I ever wanted. I was preparing for what I considered to be the worst, and in a beautiful blink of the eye, God swooped in and granted the desire of my heart…the opportunity to go back to Boulder County and remain in my home, Colorado. He actually chose not to take EVERYTHING away. I reveled in this joy and aww. Heck, I still can’t believe it!

There is nothing to complain about. Nothing. A long hard road traveled has landed in resolution. A tremendous amount of healing has taken place. We now have a beautiful place to call home. It feels just right. Kevin has a job with a paycheck again. His giftings are being used. My kids have a home again and an opportunity for new friends and experiences. It’s peaceful and beautiful and more than I deserve.

This next chapter is nothing like I would have chosen or imagined. But that is the beauty of walking with God. His imagination is much different from our own, and often much better. He knows what I need and in the middle of it he is also mindful of what I want…then it seems he miraculously works to weave the two together as I wait….poof, he gifts his plan and goodness in the fourth quarter just when I’m about to go down in defeat. It’s almost more than any one person can handle – those things he hands us. They are often quite overwhelming in very good way in the end. But they are stunning all the same.

Today I am stunned. Life has been a roller coaster of mostly downs for almost 3 years now. After a while it seems you just get used to losing your stomach in the dips. Downhill at 50mph becomes tragically normal…never fun, but normal. And when the ride slows down and steady ground is felt again, it’s hard to know what to do with the break in momentum. It’s hard to breathe normally. It’s hard to balance yourself again. And in a strange, strange way there is almost a longing for another ride. Yet, nothing in me wants to feel that sickness again.

I’ve just forgotten how to live “well” instead of constantly sick at my stomach.

What do you do when the biggest issue you have to tackle and deal with in your day is what you are cooking for dinner? What do you do when worries aren’t waking you up any more in the middle of the night? Most of all, what do you do when “right side up” still feels “upside down?” I think I have forgotten how to really LIVE life.

I think I’m ungrateful.

I think I’m so wrong not to be finally satisfied.

I think I’m wrong to long for more.

I think I’ve forgotten how to live when life is “normal.”

I think I’m still mad at God for leaving more unanswered questions and unrealized hopes and dreams.

I’m still upside down even though it seems on the outside that God has righted me.

 

And no advice from anyone seems to benefit. It’s yet another thing where only God can set me steady again…..

Not Now

How do you continue to seek God’s face when every time you take a look, the first glimpse resembles more of a giant flashing “NO” billboard in the sky than the beautiful radiance you’re hoping for? How do you constantly remember all of his “yes” over your life when there are so many blaring “no’s?”

That is the tension I feel like I’m living in. It’s the tension that just gets deeper instead of lighter. And what does the Lord keep saying? Seek me. Remember me. Know me. Press into me. Turn your heart’s affection and your mind’s attention to me.

And what’s my reaction?……whatever that sound is when a baby puts her tongue between her lips and blows raspberries….yep, that one. That’s how I feel.

I’m so tired of all the “no’s!

Often people will say, “maybe they aren’t “no’s. Maybe they are simply “not now’s”. And maybe so. But I have to tell ya, I’m sick of those, too! It really doesn’t make it better.

Thinking back to something I learned from Dr. Karyn Purvis about attachment and how it works in humans, I’m reminded that for a baby to become fully attached to mom she has to be given thousands of “yes’s” before that first “no.” Yes, I will feed you. Yes, I will diaper you. Yes, I will hold you…..yes, yes, yes….. And when a baby then starts to walk towards the light socket at age 2 and hears mom scream “no!,” she doesn’t automatically believe mom hates her and is going to hurt her. She can accept it, knowing it is coming from a loving parent who is watching out for her best interest…who is protecting her.

God has given me more yes’s over my life than I could ever account.
Yes, I will love you. Yes, I will save you. Yes, I will give you the husband your pray for. Yes, I will bless you with daughters. Yes, I will provide for you over and over again. Yes, I hear you. Yes, you can do that. Yes, I will use you. Yes, I will give you a home. Yes, you can go there. Yes, yes, yes………

It’s a good thing he did. He and I are officially permanently attached.

No, I will not give you a dream. No, I will not make a way for you to adopt the sweet girl I introduced you to in Vietnam what feels like so long ago to you. No, I will not give you a home. No, I won’t help you to see the sense of it all. No, I won’t tell you where the money is going to come from. No, I won’t ease the struggle. No, I won’t make it easier. No, no, no….

Not now.

Crap.

Okay.

…………………
What I read in Jesus Calling immediately after writing this today….

July 14

Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
—Psalm 37:23–24

though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
—Psalm 37:23–24

You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
—Psalm 16:11 nkjv

Huge Lesson Learned

I’ve been back from Vietnam for a little over a week now. I have never ever felt so jet lagged. It’s good for blogging, though. There are no other distractions at 2am.

So I suppose you’re just dying to know what I discovered on this God spoken and ordained trip across the world. You just can’t wait to hear what miraculous encounters I had and how greatly God moved and of the thousands who got saved and the orphans who were rescued. Am I right?

Well, you’re gonna love this. . .

I truly had a phenominal trip in so many ways that I do intend to share. But one of the number one things I learned on this journey – and I do mean this in the nicest way possible to all of you who are going to try to make me feel better about myself after you hear it.
Here’s one biggie I learned. . .I’m so stupid!!!!!

Yep, that’s one worth traveling to the other side of the world to learn, don’t ya think?

And here’s the other side of it…. You probably are, too. . .I’m just sayin.

God desires to give good gifts to his kids. We desperately want those gifts and wish we could believe he might give them. But as soon as the gift even hints of coming in a package that we don’t like the looks of or can’t understand, we all of a sudden get grumpy and pouty and assume we have been duped and that God doesn’t care. At least I do. And it’s hard for me to consider that the nonsensical words of God into my life could be absolutely essential to my life and are full of goodness that I should follow.

Here’s what I’m getting at…Last July I started hearing God tell me to go to Vietnam. It made no sense to me. I couldn’t wrap my head around those being true words or that being a worthwhile gift to grab hold of. So I chose to ignore. I pushed the gift of his words and the eventual gift of his provision to help me carry out following him aside. . . .and that verse about laying down in torment. . .that’s essentially what I chose instead this last year of my life.

Now let me say it again. . . Stupid!!!!

Because you want to know what completely unexpected thing I learned almost the moment I got off the plane in Hanoi? God actually knew what he was doing when he allowed the job to fall through. Hanoi is NOT home for our family…Not today, most likely never…though I won’t ever write it off if God ever chooses to call. Pieces of my heart litter the streets and countryside of my beautiful heart home of Vietnam. I have family there that will forever be deep in my heart. But it is not where we are meant to stay. Today it is not where our family is supposed to flourish. There are many reasons why.

This is not what I was looking to learn when I finally said, “yes,” to God’s voice in leading me there this time. But I fully believe this is exactly what he was trying to let me know almost a year ago now when he first told me to go. He was desperately trying to spare me the heartache of the last year. I know he was. And I was too stubborn to accept what he was saying so clearly. I didn’t know it was such a sweet gift.

I get it that everyone has their own journey with God and moves at paces that often take time. I’m good with that and want my journey to move at God’s speed. No doubt God has still used this last year for good in many ways. But I am still floored over the realization that he was so clearly trying to resolve this issue so long ago and I chose not to listen. Reconciliation could have come much sooner.

Relieved by the freedom I now feel…would have loved to have felt it sooner. Planning not to be that stupid again 😉

. . . So will the words that come out of my mouth
not come back empty-handed.
They’ll do the work I sent them to do,
they’ll complete the assignment I gave them. Isaiah 55:8-11

Learning Lessons the Harder Way

I am supremely stubborn. Ask Kevin.

The truth can be staring me in the face and I won’t admit defeat until I’m literally going down in flames and the situation is a hundred times worse than it ever would have been if I’d just simply admitted my fault two hours prior. Now I have 72 other faults to admit that I since acquired and a headache.

I’m stubborn with God like that, too. Something in me must not believe that he wants to give good gifts to his kids. Somehow it’s tons easier for me to accept something difficult he is allowing to be placed in front of me and roll with it than it is to accept anything that might resemble a good gift. And my stubbornness towards listening and obeying and accepting gets in the way.

Maybe it’s because I think following God is about suffering.

Maybe I don’t feel worthy of getting a good gift from him because I know just how much I have failed.

Maybe it’s like in my previous post and I’m afraid I’m hearing him wrong. That was actually something I wanted. . .surely he couldn’t be freeing me and sending me to do that. Again, what if I’m hearing him wrong? (Read yesterday’s post if you haven’t already)

Recently my stubbornness to follow God came into full light.

A year ago Easter I found myself on the beach of Puerto Rico with my family. Our world at the time seemed to be crashing around us. We were full of hurt and disillusionment and anger about Cool River ending and that was the point where our family healing started. We knew that our reality was about to look very different and we had to seek God to find out what was next. Fast forward….

Months went by and we were still upside down, not knowing what to do and trying to hold life together when a potential job crossed our path. It’s such a super long story why we even entertained the idea of moving our family to Hanoi, Vietnam, for a job there. But what it boils down to is that we were seeking God for anything he wanted and we were serious when we said we would follow whatever he wanted. And we LOVE Vietnam and our friends there and already felt invested in that place. We had no other word from God. . .so we moved through those doors.

To put yourself in a place where you can imagine being okay with moving your family to a third world country is hard and intentional work. To simply consider it, I had to fully embrace the idea.
I had to see our lives happening there. I had to envision my kids living and moving daily in that place. And surprisingly, over a few months of talks, I actually came to desire to make the move there.

And then the job fell through.

I know you probably can’t understand, but I realize now that I was devastated. I mean, in my mind and in my heart we were already there. . .on a great God ordained adventure. And all of a sudden it was snatched away. . .Again. All we were praying for was for God to use us again. . .give us a “call.” And though I did my best to handle the fact that Vietnam wasn’t our next new call, and hold onto the truth that God would have made it happen if it was meant to be, I was very, very sad. Fast forward some more. . .

We had to now make some logistical decisions about life. We sold our house and kept crying out to God. He seemed quite silent. We longed for a “call” again. Still we found ourselves just making logical decisions because we didn’t hear anything else. But there was one more thing that I heard…”Go to Vietnam.”

You can imagine how stupid that sounded to me. We had no money to spare. The timing made no sense. I had no real purpose for going…no job to do. God had already closed the door on moving there. Who would I go with? I basically told myself I was hearing things and making up silliness in my head (remember my blog from yesterday?”). I very stubbornly chose to ignore the possibility that I could have actually heard God tell me to go.

More healing and more logical decisions and a year later our family finds ourselves living in Littleton, Colorado, for some strange reason. God has been overly gracious and ridiculously patient. He is Provider and Healer. I have basically lived the last year as a closet basketcase trying to cope with being upside down and determined not to stop pursuing God in the middle of such nonsense.

Kevin and I have worn out shoes pacing the mall together as we have talked about every facet of life and tried to figure out the keys to God’s ultimate plans for us. Then about 3 months ago, after realizing the state of mourning I have been in over the job in Vietnam not working out, I started hearing that dang voice again telling me to go to Vietnam. Finally I knew it was time to listen. Still not understanding, I said “yes.” And wouldn’t you know it, it all miraculously fell into place.

In no time I had a traveling partner (Micki McCormick), a ticket and Visa in hand, a tax refund to pay for it all, friends ready to accept us and love us once we arrived in Hanoi….and no idea still why I was going……

I’ll tell you what I discovered tomorrow…..

TO BE CONTINUED

One Thing I Know…

I do not understand God’s ways.

Isaiah 55:8-11
The Message (MSG)
8-11 “I don’t think the way you think.
The way you work isn’t the way I work.”
God’s Decree.
“For as the sky soars high above earth,
so the way I work surpasses the way you work,
and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
and don’t go back until they’ve watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
not come back empty-handed.
They’ll do the work I sent them to do,
they’ll complete the assignment I gave them.

Have you ever heard God tell you something? I mean really heard it, and your confidence in what he was saying was utterly unmistakable? It’s not often, is it? If you’re like me, most often you hear something, consider it might be God and then spend the next hours either convincing yourself it was just all in your crazy mind or how God would never tell you to do “that” because it simply doesn’t make sense. But then you think about it some more. Most often the opportunity has far since passed to obey. And you think “dang it, I should have done that!” Anybody, anybody? Surely I’m not the only one.

Here’s something I’ve been reinvestigating lately.

Remember back in the day when accepting Jesus, following Jesus, “asking him into your heart” was so new? “They” told us that when we decide to follow Jesus he comes into our heart…which is so NOT Biblical. It’s much more accurate to believe that he literally indwells us, from that day to forever. Infinity, as my kids say. He literally moves in, takes up residence and never leaves. You know, that Holy Spirit guy so many Christians are afraid to talk about too much because he might make us all Pentacostal and cause us to dance or yell or something? That’s actually who moves in. We signed on the dotted line saying we wanted that miracle to overtake us. And then 2.7 seconds later, we forgot. Or maybe we never really understood in the first place.

I’m thinking I never REALLY understood.

Because if I did understand, I would have somehow set out to comprehend the fact that the Amy who once was, was no more. The eyes she saw with, the ears she listened with, the mouth she spoke with, the brain she thought with, we’re no longer alive. All of a sudden, it was no longer Amy, but God. God seeing, God hearing and responding, God speaking and God inside my brain. But somehow I missed it and I somehow thought I had some amount of Amy power to move through life with and that the Spirit was just a perk for when I got stumped and couldn’t figure things out on my own.

Are you freaking out? Just stick with me.

Yes, yes, free will still stands. My sin nature can kick God to the curb practically at any moment. That’s the weirdness of it to me and always will be. But as a Christ follower who has freely invited the Holy Spirit to the party and asked him to stay, let me address the earlier question. Have you ever thought your heard God tell you something and then second and two-hundred thirty- two times guess it, only out of fear of being wrong, ultimately say “no?”

After almost 30 years of being a Christian, here’s something I’m really just learning for the first time. . .

The Holy Spirit lives inside me. . .all of me. And if he does then it’s not my brain, it’s his. And if I am genuinely acknowledging his presence and seeking to follow, and then think God is possibly telling me something to do or say or act upon. . .it’s God. Thats it. It’s gotta be God. He’s not out to screw me over or make me look like an idiot. That’s not in his character at all. Stop questioning it!!!!! Do it!

I do not understand God’s ways. He does not work the way I work or the way I think he should work. But he has his reasons, and they are higher than mine. Isaiah 55:8-11

Is This Sensible?

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about sensibility and nonsense.

Have you ever really thought about how completely subjective each on of these two are?  A sensible action or one that is completely nonsense seems to depend basically 100% on someone’s personal point of view…their past – how they were brought up – what was modeled to them as a kid – who a person’s influences are – what a person’s culture says, demands or applauds – what someone likes or feels comfortable with or simply dislikes all together – what’s “best” for their future.  These things seem to determine if someone is being/doing what is sensible or non sensible.  Wouldn’t you agree?

And what I am coming to realize is that all of those things are pretty terrible barometers.

Almost all of us are are taught to be sensible.  It’s the “American Dream” way of life.  Sensible often comes in the package of a good education including bachelor and masters degrees, getting a good paying job with health insurance coverage and a healthy 401K, marrying a good man or woman, going to church, having 2 kids – a boy and a girl, working hard for the paycheck, sacrificing little, owning a home for it’s investment equity, buying a Toyota because everyone knows it holds the most value :-), retiring at 65 or sooner and then sitting on the beach sipping a fruity drink until your days are done.  Don’t be too risky.  Plan wisely.  Make sure you exercise at least 4 days a week and eat an apple a day – no gluten or egg yolks, please.  And don’t forget to give your 10% to stay on God’s good side.

Seriously, am I the only one who feels like this is the life I’m expected to live?  Is this what’s supposed to make sense?

When I step out of my little “American Dream” bubble, I look at this and I have to admit that lots of days recently all of these above “sensibilities” almost look like utter NONsense.

When I look to line my life up with the Truth that I claim over myself and my family – JESUS – I just can’t seem to picture him patting me on the back at the end of my days of living the above “sensibility” and saying, “Good job, Amy.  You were very wise and prudent.  I’m so proud of you.”  Instead, I have the feeling Jesus wouldn’t be the least bit impressed.  In fact, could it be possible that he might even say something along the lines of this?

Matthew 7:23

The Message (MSG)

^21-23 “Knowing the correct password—saying ‘Master, Master,’ for instance—isn’t going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience—doing what my Father wills. I can see it now—at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, ‘Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.’ And do you know what I am going to say? ‘You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don’t impress me one bit. You’re out of here.’

OUCH!!!

Now let me back up a tiny bit and say that I do not believe that all I pointed out as “sensible” above is bad.  We have been given a brilliant brain, capable of making good and wise decisions and most definitely it is more wise to get an education, for example, than living this life dumb and stalled out because you can’t get a job and you have to live in your parent’s basement for the rest of your life.

Where I think the conflict happens is when you find yourself striving so hard to make life work within the perfect little guidelines that you have always believed to be sensible that you have the complete and utter inability to allow for NONsense.

Jesus was often quite nonsensical, don’t you think?

He asked people to follow him without giving them a job description or telling them where they were going.

He hung out with the bad guys and gals.  He ate with tax collectors and let the prostitute close.

He rode a donkey instead of a stallion.

He didn’t have a place to lay his head.

He endured the worst persecution when he had the ability to call down a legion of angels to make the madness cease.

He actually thought a few fish and a couple loaves of bread could feed thousands.

He taught that the meek were going to inherit the earth.

He let a dude who was only hours away from selling him out and bringing an end to his life partake of his “body and blood.”

Nonsense.

What is sensible to me often equals what is comfortable to me.  It’s what I know.  It’s what I can wrap my head around.  I can grab hold of my sensible.  It all plays out good in my head.

NONsense is wild. . .rogue. . . risky. . .uncomfortable. . .untamed. . .full of question marks. . .dependent upon faith. . .Biblical??????

Is there anyone out there like me who secretly gets tired of the ongoing struggle towards making sense all the time?  I wonder what would happen if we all started asking, ‘what is the most nonsensical thing I could imagine God asking me to do?’. . . and then in prayer and obedience actually do it?  Whoa!  That there might just blow the doors off of the “American Dream.”

But, I wonder if it might equal the LIFE we all feel like we’re all missing out on??

I wonder why God alone isn’t more often our sensibility barometer?

The Table

Ever since last Sunday I have not been able to get a certain image out of my head.

At Adullam, where we now attend their church gathering, we take communion every Sunday.  This time has quickly become my favorite and most anticipated part of the day and often even my week.  I can’t explain it here, but it is a beautiful and pure experience unequaled by most moments I have grafted into my weeks.  I wish you could be there.

Anyway, last week I was in the long line with the family, waiting to get my piece of bread and wine.  Our good friends, Jenna and Roy and their lovely girls were behind us.  It was sweet and I was smiling already, just taking everything in-watching families and singles and ladies with dogs 🙂 go to the Table, pray together, experience moments of peace and love only offered by the Lord .  And as I stood there I was captured by this little baby girl.  She was obviously the first child of a young couple in front – maybe 10 months old.  It was a brief second of a moment that spoke so much to my soul as her mom and dad took their bread dipped in the juice and turned to go back to their seats.  Almost instantly the baby grabbed the bread from her dad’s hand and stuffed it in her own mouth.  Dad didn’t have a chance!  And they all just grinned as they walked away from the Table.

The Table. . .for so many of us, hasn’t the Table become just another religious experience?  Whether we go there weekly, quarterly or just at Christmas and Easter, hasn’t it become more like a religious “rule” than a pure, humbling and life giving experience open to anyone who would wish to receive it?

A baby “taking communion.”  Wouldn’t some call that sacrilegious?  She hasn’t been “saved.”  She hasn’t been baptized.  She certainly isn’t a member of the 501c3 organization.

Judas taking communion with Jesus just before he sold him out for a bag full of money.  Wouldn’t that count as extreme sacrilege?

And yet, Jesus invited Judas to the table. . . knowing it all, didn’t he?

Who are we to think we deserve to go to the Lord’s Table and that someone else does not?  Aren’t we just like Judas?

I happen to think that sweet baby girl belongs at the table and I actually wish my heart felt the intensity that she did to jerk that bread and juice from the Father and devour it with a big grin on my face like her.   That would be pure presence with the Creator.  I think that is what he meant when he said “do this in remembrance of me”…to come like a little child, junk and all and devour Life, no pretense or strings attached.  No rules of who’s in and who’s out.  Only a desire to get one step closer to the Father.

This stage of life is making me more and more sacrilegious.

Kevin calls it “deconstruction” of a past belief system. . .a religious belief system.

Talk about upside down!  That is me.

I am more cynical of religion and “church” – not The Church.  (I’m not saying I’m proud of that, but it’s true.)

Yet I think I feel much closer to the heart of Jesus than ever before.

For the first time ever I am taking a look at so many things the “church” has taught me and realizing, “hey, I actually can’t find that in the Bible.”  “And actually, what I find in the Bible I don’t really see in the ‘church.’ ”  It’s weird, this journey I am on.

I mean, you tell me what you do with this. . .

 ^{James 1:22}Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

²⁶ Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. ²⁷ Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Do you just read it and nod your head at what good teaching that is?

Do you analyze the heck out of it until you free yourself from every responsibility those words hold, choosing to believe God didn’t mean that literally for you?  Then you don’t have to deal with it?

Or do you believe God spoke exactly what he intended and that he’s a dude that means what he says?  The religion God accepts isn’t proper Communion, church attendance, lifting our hands when we sing or potlucking together.  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.  And if I read it and believe it then I have no choice but to respond.  And in response to this scripture and so many more that the Spirit is confronting me with , I might look a bit sacrilegious.

But I’m pretty sure Jesus was the most sacrilegious of us all. . .dining with tax collectors instead of the preacher guy. . .partying and making wine at a wedding (yes, it says wine and not juice!). . .throwing tables around at the Temple, sitting with a woman at the well he should have never been seen with, healing on the Sabbath.  So, I’ll be in good company. 🙂

Why do we make such big deals out of the rules of religion WE have created?  All the while dismissing Jesus’ heart?

As Francis Chan says, I just really want my life to be written into The Book. . .not a set of religiousness that looks nothing like Him.

. . . . . .me stepping off my soapbox now. . .  . .  🙂

 

When Fervency = Silence

My Lesson in Learning to Cry Out to the Lord. . .

In all past circumstances I have recorded in my life’s spiritual memory, crying out to the Lord has looked something like this…circumstance/need/question arises = seek the Lord = answer from the Lord (whether I liked answer or not) = acceptance = movement = understanding.

And it has always seemed that he has been fairly expedient in his direction once the Spirit actually got me to a place of seeking.  Answers and direction given from the Lord have often caused me to exercise my faith muscles and grow my understanding of who he is as Provider, Comforter, my Strength, etc.  And the more I practiced listening, trusting and following, the more confident I grew in our relationship and my “sync” with the Spirit, if you want to call it that.

But what do you do when all of a sudden the above equation doesn’t factor out like it’s “supposed” to?  What happens when God changes the equation?  That’s what I’ve been living for the last year and a half.

This equation is much more complicated for my brain to comprehend.

I’ve never experienced a silent God.

And yet,  for much too long for my own comfort, my personal prayer fervency towards every significant thing I have cried out towards in the recent  months is still equaling nothing but silence…and I don’t like it one single bit! (Hopefully some day I will be able to share with you these very specific prayers, but not yet)

But here’s what I do know. . .

It is well.

Most days those heart wrenching prayers and longings don’t feel well.  My gut feels sick at it’s very depth.  God’s silence seems more than I can bare.  And yet, it is well.

And maybe that’s the greatest lesson in the silence.

Today, Fervency = silence = a deeper craving for the Lord to break through = a depth of faith and belief I have ever known = a deeper search than I have ever had to persist in = a greater perspective on the call I’ve been given and a more defined understanding of who I am = exhaustion = renewal = more fervency… and the whole cycle repeating itself over and over again.

Some day He will choose to break through the silence.

Many, many things I do not understand about God’s way of doing things.  It’s rarely the way I would choose.

It is well.

Happy New Year, Vietnam!

One of my Bucket List wishes is to be in Hanoi on Tet.  Tet celebrations start today, so Happy New Year to all on my friends celebrating. . .Tan and family, Binh, Trang, Andrew and Sammy, Sa and family, Thao, Huong, Hanh, Tra, Pink, Diep, Bic and so many more. . .  May the year of the snake be full of joy and goodness!

Quick history lesson on Tet: (it’s pretty fascinating…we Americans have no idea how to really celebrate – enjoy!)

Tet Nguyen Dan, the Vietnamese New Year, follows the same calendar that governs Chinese New Year celebrations worldwide. So on the same day the world celebrates Chinese New Year, the Vietnamese celebrate Tet.

The Vietnamese consider Tet to be the year’s most important festival. Family members gather in their hometowns, traveling from across the country (or the world) to spend the Tet holidays in each other’s company.

Tet and the Kitchen God Tet Nguyen Dan translates literally to “the first morning of the first day of the new year”. Long before Tet, Vietnamese try to get rid of any “bad fortune” by cleaning their homes, buying new clothes, resolving disputes, and paying their debts. Like the Chinese, the Vietnamese believe that Tet marks the time when the Kitchen God reports on their family to the Jade Emperor.

A week before Tet, family members attempt to propitiate the Kitchen God by burning gold leaf paper and offering carp (live, placed in a bucket of water upon the family altar) for him to ride. Houses are cleaned (or repainted) and decorated with yellow blossoms. A bamboo plant called a Cay Neu is planted in the family courtyard: decorated with red streamers and flowers, the Cay Neu is believed to welcome good luck and ward off evil spirits in the week-long interregnum between the old Kitchen God’s departure and the arrival of his replacement. Vietnamese also pay tribute to their ancestors throughout Tet. Each mid-day, for the duration of the New Year week, offerings are placed on the household altar and incense is burned in memory of the departed. Tet and Good Luck On the stroke of midnight, as the old year turns into the new, Vietnamese usher out the old year and welcome the new Kitchen God, beating drums, lighting firecrackers, and goading dogs to bark (a lucky omen).

More on luck and the New Year: Vietnamese believe that one’s luck in the entire year can be determined by auspicious (and not-so-auspicious) events during Tet. Thus Vietnamese will try to even the odds. Barking dogs inspire confidence in the New Year, so dogs are encouraged to bark. Hooting owls are regarded as an unlucky omen. The wealth of the first person through the door on New Year reflects the family’s luck for the year to come, so the rich and popular are invited to one’s home. Tet and Families On Tet, families lay out a splendid feast to welcome visiting relatives and friends.

Traditional Tet treats include: Banh Chung: a special rice pudding containing mung beans and pork bits. Watermelons: considered lucky because of its red color. Other lucky fruits: coconuts, oranges, and grapefruits Family members and friends also exchange gifts during the visit. After the guests have been feted, the family goes off to their respective places of worship (Christian or Buddhist) to pray for the year to come, or join in the many public parades celebrating the festival. The first few days of Tet are meant to be spent visiting friends and relatives. The first day is spent calling upon close friends and one’s parents. The next day, Vietnamese call on their in-laws and other friends. And on the third day, people call upon their distant relations. On the seventh day after Tet, the Cay Neu is taken down, and dragon processions stalk the streets.

(from http://goseasia.about.com/od/eventsfes6/a/tet.htm)